i don't know.

i really want to be happy. of course the response to that is "duh, doesn't everyone?" but i'm thinking more about being happy for me instead of just being happy. increasingly caring a lot less about what i'm "supposed" to do, what standards i'm supposed to uphold, and the people i'm supposed to make happy. taking the stick out of my ass to be completely blunt about it. i've been happier with guys i'm not "supposed" to talk to, making more spontaneous moves with my friends, and giving less of a damn about school. (don't get me wrong though, me giving less of a damn about school is the normal person stressing out). 

call me greedy, but i still want more. i want better grades simply because i don't feel they match my effort. i want my family to function in a bit more of a normal fashion if you're using society's standard of a normal divorced couple. i want maybe not a committed relationship but more of exclusive one. someone who inspires me, motivates me, can teach me random things, but most importantly someone whose company i can simply enjoy. i'm sick of hearing i'm too young and i need to just enjoy life and all that. that's what everyone else wants for me not what i want for myself. i could be considered selfish but i think all the people trying to force me out of wanting a relationship are being kind of a backwards selfish. 

i'm still thankful though. thankful for all of the people i know, for they all have taught me something. a lesson, many lessons, or made me realize something about myself. i love interacting with people because i always feel as though that's an opportunity to learn something. i'm thankful for my family, simple because they are who they are and have been what they have been for me. thankful for my friends, sorors and definitely my line sisters. they are my crutch whenever i feel weak and unable. above all i'm thankful for my relationship with God. it may not follow whatever rules people set or whatever, it's my own personal relationship and it benefits me and i have complete and total faith in it. 

one more semester. 2012 is over and i only have one more semester of my undergraduate career. it's a scary feeling but i'm ready. 2012 taught me a lot, especially about myself, and was definitely a growing experience. 2013 is going to be about a lot of changes. i have spent the last three and a half years building an entire new life with new people and much more meaningful relationships. i have become a completely different person and i'm happy with that. i'm scared of what's to come, but i'm definitely ready at the same time. 

fuerza.