Light Girls.

I just finished watching #LightGirls on OWN (well on DVR). I'm filled with such a wide range of emotions. These were thoughts of mine throughout the documentary. They may be scattered, and I apologize, I was typing and listening at the same time.

• I loved seeing so many of the people commenting throughout the piece having doctoral degrees. It's inspiring. It's exciting. I'm not sure if that's because that's not in the history of my family or what, but to see black professionals in the seats that I want to be in, especially the older blacks with higher degrees because you know there was nothing easy about their education journey and their fight for educational and professional respect. And I know I shouldn't be this excited about it, because we live in "post racial" America and "everyone is allotted the same opportunities but black people just don't take advantage", but I am.
• Overcompensating: someone mentioned how his fair-skinned mother and wife always felt the need to overcompensate for their lighter skin tone and go out of their way to prove how black they are, which is ridiculous, but also not imaginary. I feel like this applies to lighter blacks, suburban blacks, and my favorite...blacks that "talk white". I was told in high school, because I didn't go to the public school I was supposed to go to (praise God), and went to a charter school and because I know how to pronounce words in the English language without sounding like I have no home training, that I wasn't "really black." It's hilarious because not being "really black" didn't stop me from experiencing discrimination, didn't stop me from feeling filled with rage when a white person called me a nigger, nor did it stop me from being filled with rage when my mother made me watch Roots as a child. I am black. Don't ever fix your lips to think about calling me otherwise. 
• My father grew up in the complex of "talking too white" and having predominantly white friends, as he went to Catholic schools, but he wasn't white enough to be passed up on a position when he was in the State Police, sue them, and fortunately win. It doesn't matter how we view each other within the race. These complexes don't matter. To any other race, especially whites (which ultimately rule the world..or at least our world) BLACK IS BLACK.
• I agree that the differentiation between light and dark skinned women is a learned behavior, I just want to know how it festers so deeply and does not stop. My oldest niece just turned six last month. She's brown skinned, her father is brown skinned. Her brother and mother are light skinned. You would think it wouldn't make a difference, but she would say "mommy I want to be light like you and [her brother]" WHY. She's gorgeous. She has a smile that lights up my life, yet she already has a negative image about herself because of the color of her skin. I hate it. 
• We fight about the things we can't control. 
• However they could divide us they could. Divide and conquer isn't a foreign concept. Hell, I do it with my homework. To conquer us in blatant brutal slavery, they divided us. To conquer us in "post racial America" they let us divide ourselves. 
• It breaks my heart that so many people in so many different countries go to all these lengths to attempt to lighten their skin. I don't understand. I appreciate other cultures and part of those cultures is those distinct appearances, appearances that get tainted when you put your skin at risk for damage and cancer because you want to appear white. 
• It hurt when J. Alexander said Lupita's influence will only be temporary, and it hurt because he's probably right. Now I personally don't think she's THAT beautiful, and not because she's dark skinned, just because I don't think that. There are plenty of beautiful dark skinned women. But back to my original point, it sucks that she will only have a temporary presence. I want more women like her. Women for both my generation to receive a boost of inspiration from and for following generations to hang posters of in their room and idolize (in a healthy way of course). Women to make them feel good about their looks and about their brains, to make them feel empowered. That needs to continue. 
• I'm struggling because I don't think it's offensive to ask people their ethnic background, as I'm very interested in other cultures, but I know first hand that the "what are you?" question can be very offensive, and very annoying when the response you give isn't what they expect. 
• "Light skinned is more of a trophy...you want to have that prize....[dark skinned] women have to go through more" .........I wanted to throw up hearing that. 
• We (women that don't fit the prototype) are somehow at some point in our development told we aren't good enough for whatever reason, most likely by men. When we get older, there's always some sort of insecurity or feeling of inferiority, especially when it comes to dealing with men, that takes a long time to shake. I'm still fighting some myself even though I know it's unnecessary and ridiculous. It's hard to fight was experience has taught you. The cycle of men, AND WOMEN, promoting the divide and the inferiority complex needs to end. It's funny until it's your child. Cut the nonsense now. 
• The light-skinned/dark skinned dude argument is an issue too. Not as much, but it still doesn't need to be pumped throughout our culture and our society. 
• "Ours [generation] is about the pursuit of happiness, and we have to pursuit it with the spirit of a revolutionary, and we cannot if we are at war with each other"
• "Nobody's gonna heal us. We have to heal ourselves...The world is not gonna stop perpetrating this lie." 
• "Hurt people, hurt people...and black people are hurt. We have to no longer blame the system, the media...and embrace one another in love."

You are good enough. 

BREATHE...RELAX...BE HAPPY

I know plenty of young women (including myself) that have genuine battles with anxiety. I've sought professional help for it, but it's also a battle that requires some will power within yourself. Just sharing some little messages that help me breathe a little easier. I apologize if you're not a Christian as I incorporate God into my stress relief techniques, but this is also my blog sooo......

• When life knocks you on your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray 
• Today I will do what I can and let that be enough 
• Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure everything out. Turn to God. He has a plan. 
• Stress makes you believe everything has to happen right now. Faith reassures you that everything will happen in God's timing. 
• Live less out of habit and more out of intent. 
• Myth: when things change I will be happy; Truth: when I am happy things will change 
• I love the person I've become because I fought to become her
• Never fake being okay. Ever. 

Sober Sally

Many knew, some didn't, but I recently went 28 days without any alcoholic drinks whatsoever. No, I wasn't on any medications, nor was I pregnant, it was just a personal choice that involved me and my relationship with God. I was fed up with the excessive negativity in my life, and although I know God, I needed to just take my relationship with Him even a baby step further, so I decided to give up something that was prevalent in my life in honor of Him.  I have seen people do this before with other things, and then of course there's Lent, but I'm also not Catholic, and as with everything else in my life (especially my religion), I needed to make it personal and meaningful to me. 

"How does giving up alcohol bring you closer to God?" was a question I got often. I'm 23, my friends range essentially from 21-30, and we commonly drink when we socialize. I went to a party school...we always drank when we socialized...we even drank when we studied (I got good grades cut the judgment). So while I am by definition no alcoholic...it's a habit...and I'm a creature of habit. A habit of mine also included not praying enough, which was my alternative to drinking during my fast. My goal was to say a prayer, talk to God, or even just say "Thank you" every time alcohol came up in discussion, was around me, I passed a liquor store, anything. I wanted to make my communication with God a habit that would continue long after the fast concluded. 

I had some friends attempt to do this with me, which truly warmed my heart. I had another friend say they were going to try it just on their own time. I'm not entirely sure their purpose in doing so was as spiritual as mine, but inspiring people to do so or even making people aware of my purpose in doing so, possibly leading them to want to reevaluate their faith is more than satisfying to me. My goal in life is to positively serve other people, and I found comfort in spreading my testimony with my friends. 

My month of sobriety also overlapped with my uncle's series of "power" (yes, inspired somewhat by the show) sermons at the Transformation Christian Worship Center. I won't share all my sermon notes (because I'm writing a novel longer than this blog post), but I will share the scriptures, and offer the invitation to join me there whenever you'd like. Definitely a relatable person to receive the Word from that still keeps it real (and you're still out in time to watch football lol). 

Proverbs 22:1 
Philippians 2:7 
Deuteronomy 30:19
James 1:14 
1 Corinthians 8:6
Psalm 62:5
Romans 12:12 
Mark 13:34 
Matthew 8:16 


The following scripture was probably my biggest inspiration throughout this journey. Read it, process it, and meet any trouble that approaches you face to face with it. 


"'Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you'" 

Luke 10:19

Patient Appreciation

I met a (new to me) patient a couple weeks ago. She said she had seen something of mine with letters on it, and asked if I was "a red and white lady" as she put it, and then told me she was a "pink and green lady". We laughed and joked while I took her through her exercises. She was an educator for over 40 years, and continued to tell me things that were just awesome. It was great to just talk about amazing people in the Divine 9 in general and share such an appreciation for our common interests, regardless of the fact that our choices usually carry unweighted controversy. 

The next time I worked with her she had to get rushed to the emergency aid unit during her session. Scared me for a brief moment, but reminded me to cherish the people that bring positive energy in my life. I've been doing a decent job at weeding out the negative shit, and I love to keep the ball rolling.  

And one time for the sawrahs...

OOOOOO~OOP! 


(this was supposed to get published last month smh..)

Morning Thoughts...

Thursday, July 24..2014.

Today is my aunt's birthday. My second mom. My mother figure. I won't ramble about how much I love her but I do, so so so much. Can't wait to call her later and see if her surprise got to her house yet. 

Yesterday I was talking to a patient about her granddaughter, whom I met, and she is a remarkable young child. She was born deaf and had an operation when she was 8 months old that resulted in everything developing slower that the pace of a normal child. You would never know it looking at her today though. And she has a genuine artistic talent that is striking. Designing her own clothes, sculpting, and having a painting on display in the town. Mind you she hasn't even hit double digits yet. I see crazy potential in her and I was only around her for 15 minutes. I hope she fulfills it living out her passion. 

Some news earlier this week hit me like a ton of bricks, but I couldn't be more thankful for it. I feel at peace, at ease, and like what I'm doing is right. I know I always thought shit would happen a different way, but God did what He does and told me He's in control. So I'm going to seriously trust what He's doing right now, because He sent me someone that is truly wonderful and a joy to be around. I'm free. I'm happy. 

I want to quit all of my jobs and just live life. The end. 

a turning point.

"What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be." 

scrolled across this quote on pinterest and it couldn't be more applicable to what i'm going through right now.  i've always had an image of how my life was supposed to be. in my last relationship, i could have sworn up and down i was going to marry my boyfriend, and if you know me you know there's no way on God's earth that will ever happen. i was going to go to school in virginia (which did happen) but i was never going to come back to de. i was going to stay there forever, but now i'm applying to jobs in delaware and looking for apartments. i wasn't supposed to get into OT and i was supposed to keep cheerleading. i wasn't supposed to love my college friends the way i do but they've become more of my family than the people i share blood with. i was supposed to go straight from undergrad to grad school and then get a job just the way everyone does, right? wrong. i was supposed to care about what my family thinks about me not following the "path destined for me" (whatever the hell that is) and becoming much more average than what is expected of me. but i'm like, i have so many plans for what i want to do and lives i want to affect that i'm way more awesome than the frustrated lives you're living. my relationship with God is growing closer through personal experience than the forced religious life you're trying to shove down my throat. and i'm in love with an amazing guy that helps build me up whenever you all beat me the hell down with your expectations and your visions for my happiness. funny how it's supposed to be mine and it's somehow yours right? haha. i don't even want you all to spoil the energy for life i've found through him. point is, my life is my life. and i'm sooo happy with it. i feel free. i'm smiling and dancing and singing with a new joy in my heart that you will never take away. took me 21 years to find it and i won't let it go. the name of the game: I WIN! 

dear jmu

dear jmu, 

from the moment i set foot on this campus i knew you were for me. there is such a spirit and way about this campus that welcomes anyone, welcomed me, and immediately gels you into what is know as the jmu family. this campus: your hills (which i've hated some days), your beauty, your food, your people, your decorations, and your atmosphere is nothing short of amazing. you somehow attract people with some of the biggest hearts on the face of this planet. if i didn't have that mindset when i came here, i definitely do now, and i have you to thank for that. even your parties, known for their free beer and nights full of overly friendly people making friends for the night on the drunk bus have a different aura about them than do those at other schools. jmu, you have taught me things about myself i would have never known. you opened my eyes to my real interests. you opened your wide array of resources to me. you gave me the best friends i'm convinced i will ever know, friends that have stepped in and been my family when my own family just wasn't there the way i would have liked them to be. i don't blame them, but i thank you, because it if wasn't for you, i would have been alone during some of the hardest and most difficult times of my life. you blessed me with the unmatched feeling of a jmu game day. spending every home game at the 50 yard line, losing my voice along the sides of my best friends who share the same love for sports that i do, singing the fight song (which is awkwardly one of my favorite songs ever), throwing those purple and gold streamers after every touchdown and field goal, and cheering on more of my good friends down their on Zane Showker Field. that spirit, that love, that ritual became a part of me, and i cannot wait to return as an alumni and do the same. 
now don't get me wrong, jmu, there were times when i hated you like an evil ex-boyfriend. the parking and class registration struggles never seemed to end. and later in my jmu career, my schedule outside of class got busier, and my attitude about some things became a little more negative. but no matter what, any time someone reminded me "oh you're graduating next year", i became overwhelmed with sadness. you have been so good to me, and although a drastic change must come along with the may 4th commencement ceremony, i will forever be indebted to you. all of the friends, sorors, professors, faculty, and administration here collectively have helped mold me into the young woman here today. i just hope that i make you proud when i'm miles away from the little town of harrisonburg, virginia. 

thanks again jmu. with all my love, 
Sydney c/o 2013 
Alumni from day one.

p.s. I don't care what you say, my school is better than yours. GO DUKES!